I have trouble giving things to God. Well, some things are easier than others. When things seem to be difficult, I will pray, "Ok Lord, you can have this because I don't know how to handle it." or "Lord, this RV belongs to you and everything that happens, good or bad with it will be accepted."
But the one thing I can't seem to give to God on a regular basis is my children.
I dropped my 17 year old son off two weeks ago, at the airport. He was headed back to MI to visit the friends he holds so dear from church where we used to live. He was so excited to go and it was made all possible by my brother who had frequent flier miles to share. He is back home now and safe and sound - PTL!!!!
Anyway, I was a mess. I know, I know, people do it all the time. My friend Liz just prayed as her son left for Romania for the umteenth (is that a word?) time, my friend Susan just shared that her son is going to Venezuela for who knows how long. Another friend Barb is getting ready for her daughter to go to Kyrgystan. And yet another friend, Mim whose son is living in Norway! moms and dads alike watch their children go off to do all sorts of things. I guess I was just a mess because it is my first time and my oldest child.
Thefew months before he went I was just fine. There was little talk about it. He was excited about who and what he was going to see and do. As the weeks got closer I found myself getting more and more anxious. The last three days I found myself in tears more than once. What was I upset about you might ask, well, mostly things I have no control over. Was I upset he was going to forget clothes, money, schoolwork (mean mommy!) or the like, no, I have some say into that. I was upset about the plane, the flying, the not being with him if the unthinkable happened. Me not being there to take care of him. Can you tell I am having trouble letting go? - understatement of the YEAR!
I finally said to my husband, "When he goes to college I am going to lose it!" HA!
But what about God? My son doesn't belong to me, he is only on loan, God owns him; he belongs to Him. He has given me these children to care for, raise IN HIM, and to set free. My husband and I are to teach him to live on his own, like a man. That is our goal isn't it? To watch him walk out that door as a God fearing man, ready to be on his own................
I know this. I really do. It is just a hard thing for me. On the one hand I want him to be out of his own, so I can look back and see all the wonders that God has done. On the other hand, I want to keep him in our house so I can make sure he is going to be ok! I want to enjoy him for as long as I can! HA! I know, crazy, yet I am reminded that God gave me a heart that loves. He gave me all the emotions that I am having. The problem is how I am using them.
I think it is ok to love richly and deeply. God wants us to have a heart that loves others. But to get caught up in that love so it stifles another isn't a good thing. So, I am trying to let go.
My husband has been very good at this. He wants my son to be a man. He wants him to have the courage and strength to be able to do things on his own. He has reminded me - a million times I might add- that our son will be ok, just let him go. For example, it is raining and Zach has soccer practice. He usually rides his bike there and back to practice. If it is raining I take him or pick him up so he isn't riding in the rain too long (it is 10 miles each way!). My husband has to remind me that he is a big boy and can get wet! HA! He is right, he can get wet and he will be ok, but there is still that mom in me............wanting to nurture, to care for.
As I am writing all of this it is obvious to me it is time to let go. I know many of you out there have experienced this, letting go of a child for the first time. How do you get through it? I am praying for grace. I have a year and a half until college and I am thinking that might be long enough to build up some courage and a smile :)
XO
But the one thing I can't seem to give to God on a regular basis is my children.
I dropped my 17 year old son off two weeks ago, at the airport. He was headed back to MI to visit the friends he holds so dear from church where we used to live. He was so excited to go and it was made all possible by my brother who had frequent flier miles to share. He is back home now and safe and sound - PTL!!!!
Anyway, I was a mess. I know, I know, people do it all the time. My friend Liz just prayed as her son left for Romania for the umteenth (is that a word?) time, my friend Susan just shared that her son is going to Venezuela for who knows how long. Another friend Barb is getting ready for her daughter to go to Kyrgystan. And yet another friend, Mim whose son is living in Norway! moms and dads alike watch their children go off to do all sorts of things. I guess I was just a mess because it is my first time and my oldest child.
Thefew months before he went I was just fine. There was little talk about it. He was excited about who and what he was going to see and do. As the weeks got closer I found myself getting more and more anxious. The last three days I found myself in tears more than once. What was I upset about you might ask, well, mostly things I have no control over. Was I upset he was going to forget clothes, money, schoolwork (mean mommy!) or the like, no, I have some say into that. I was upset about the plane, the flying, the not being with him if the unthinkable happened. Me not being there to take care of him. Can you tell I am having trouble letting go? - understatement of the YEAR!
I finally said to my husband, "When he goes to college I am going to lose it!" HA!
But what about God? My son doesn't belong to me, he is only on loan, God owns him; he belongs to Him. He has given me these children to care for, raise IN HIM, and to set free. My husband and I are to teach him to live on his own, like a man. That is our goal isn't it? To watch him walk out that door as a God fearing man, ready to be on his own................
I know this. I really do. It is just a hard thing for me. On the one hand I want him to be out of his own, so I can look back and see all the wonders that God has done. On the other hand, I want to keep him in our house so I can make sure he is going to be ok! I want to enjoy him for as long as I can! HA! I know, crazy, yet I am reminded that God gave me a heart that loves. He gave me all the emotions that I am having. The problem is how I am using them.
I think it is ok to love richly and deeply. God wants us to have a heart that loves others. But to get caught up in that love so it stifles another isn't a good thing. So, I am trying to let go.
My husband has been very good at this. He wants my son to be a man. He wants him to have the courage and strength to be able to do things on his own. He has reminded me - a million times I might add- that our son will be ok, just let him go. For example, it is raining and Zach has soccer practice. He usually rides his bike there and back to practice. If it is raining I take him or pick him up so he isn't riding in the rain too long (it is 10 miles each way!). My husband has to remind me that he is a big boy and can get wet! HA! He is right, he can get wet and he will be ok, but there is still that mom in me............wanting to nurture, to care for.
As I am writing all of this it is obvious to me it is time to let go. I know many of you out there have experienced this, letting go of a child for the first time. How do you get through it? I am praying for grace. I have a year and a half until college and I am thinking that might be long enough to build up some courage and a smile :)
XO
Boy do I relate with that! Our eldest is graduating this year and we are in the process of college apps. With us living in Europe...she will probably live and study in the US...SO far away! Wow! There are times I do well with this and remember how big God is and there are times I...well, want control and to keep her with us! Thanks for writing!
ReplyDelete